can barely see

i shouldnt... i cant... please no... i dont want to do it anymore... only for happiness. but i keep failing. it feels like im just wondering around always searching for what? i dont know... a neon sign flashing to tell me i found it? doesnt it suck. i always do this, you would think i learned... everyones different... maybe i dont take things so seriously afraid if i do that i'll get too attached and then it'll be ripped away from me... i learned to detach myself long before... it comes natural...? oh dammit its too late.mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake someone shoot me before i make any more... how amazing it is how much words can truly hurt someone even if just read... ive no idea what im thinking i can barely see the screen as it is through the... no sleep tonight. no respect held anymore for me... idk im flailing words around which can be dangerous... its true... im not a good person...i try to be but it just bites me back... idk how to react sometimes or what to say or do... oh man ignore me im just a stupid girl full of emotions here, not a surprise there.

remember

the song by justin nozuka: save him

Marching into Madness and Springing into Serenity

Finally, the dull days of winter are becoming suppressed by spring's impatient entrance.  I guess when you live in a place where the sun is mostly dominant, you tend to miss it when the gray takes over.  Yet i wont mind the summer storms or the lightning fights between the clouds.  In my opinion though, there should be more distinctive seasons instead of them meshing together so if there were no months to go by, you would actually know or guess pretty close to what season you are currently in.  Do i think california is going to be my permanent residence?  I sort of hope not.  I've lived here my whole life, i want something different, something exciting....  

However!  My heart has experienced some changes and to clear things up, they are very good and exciting changes.  It would be wearisome to write down all the reasons why, but some call it love.  true love? yes.  fierce love? definitely.  loyal love?  yes what else!  

It's amazing how your world can look so different in the eyes of love.  Smiles are precious, laughs are always welcomed, and love is sacred.  

So march is nearing it's dreary end to make way for an impatient spring that is already pushing heats up to almost 80 degrees.  Time for tanning by the pool!  Smoothies, walks, shorts, water balloons, and much much  more!  (sounds like a commercial to me...)

Anyways, i am very excited to see what spring will bring us... april... hmm we'll see about that month.  Shall be interesting right?  The biggest motivation is seeing my sweetheart for our 2nd month anniversary ^_^  

Yes i'm all giddy but what do you expect?  I have the most amazing person in the world how can i not be happy!  I love him, he loves me... anything else? oh there's much more but like i said, it's too much to write.  

welcome spring